It took me around 20 minutes to try out everything at once. I had a lot going on because my three children were asleep as well, though they didn’t notice. As soon as I opened this box the words ‘sleep’ came to mind.
But here I am today trying to figure out what to do about it all. I have started journalism my experiences from last night.
I made up a log that describes how I was able to catch up with myself after a fairly tiring day at work and home. But this doesn’t represent the whole picture. The time had passed and I didn’t remember much about it except a few things that happened in quick succession. That was enough for me to be excited for what lay ahead. So that went.
Then the light bulb moment where I remembered what we talked about, that I’d been having trouble sleeping last night, and that I really need to get some shut-eye. I began using my laptop to go over the notes I made and jot down some ideas for my thoughts for tomorrow. But then I just kept scrolling aimlessly through Instagram. All of these things did not seem important. Like any other day, I was too immersed with my thoughts to even pay attention.
I don’t know if it was boredom or exhaustion. Either way, I ended up taking a nap instead. Afterward, I decided to write a list of things that I was grateful for. As I wrote them down they became clearer. They no longer seemed distant or unrelated. I realized that I have a lot of good things in my life. Things I can control. Things that I could control. Things I could appreciate. Things that mean something. There were so many good things that popped into my head. Even after writing so much down, I still couldn’t decide which one was my real priority.
It wasn’t until later that I realized that I hadn’t just gotten out my alarm clock…but my inner child was already drifting off. In fact, I’m not sure what had happened, but I think I fell asleep at least temporarily. I can only imagine how much better my daytime self would be if we got more shut-eye.
I knew that getting back in will take some time. When I finally turned down the covers and slipped into bed, I found myself staring up at my ceiling. A little bit scared of just about everything that might happen, and also very curious what kind of sleeper I was going to make. I can’t seem to sleep without thinking and then wondering why I’m still alive. What might I wake up to? And the feeling of being out on the street at the crack of dawn.
I haven’t ever slept like this before so I figured I would start by trying low-key. Then by giving myself more rest at night and forcing myself to stay awake during the day. If I fall asleep quickly in my sleep, I don’t want to be waking up again in the middle of the night.
I know that I need to be more active when it comes to exercising, so I tried to do yoga first thing, but I couldn’t find the right pose or the right concentration. Still, I tried. At night I used my phone to play music on repeat while looking out the window. And I would put an outfit together on my closet floor so that I wouldn’t be tempted to look under it. Then I would tell my kids that I’d set up a potluck for them tomorrow morning.
I’m surprised at how easy it is to let sleeping habits fall by the wayside just because they aren’t working anymore. Sometimes I’ll even put on new makeup before I go to bed. No matter how tired I feel, I’ll find something to keep me awake.
So what’s next? Do I reach for another pillow or try not to? Will I turn on my cell phone (or maybe the TV) in another hour or two? I guess it’s a good question, isn’t it? Or should I? Maybe if I’m allowed, I can finally get around bedtime. Maybe there’s something I’m missing? Is there something else I could do to cure my insomnia? A friend gave me permission to spend a couple of hours reading through a few books that I’ve been meaning to read, so maybe that’ll help. Maybe someday I can sit next to the person who has never let me sleep. Maybe then the person who believes in me won’t think so stupidly short change.
As I said earlier, sleep is such a fundamental part of human existence. Without proper sleep, our bodies cannot function properly, especially our immune system. Our memory is affected as well. We need sleep to function, but sometimes we don’t get it. Why does that happen? Could it be because we talk ourselves to sleep every single day? Maybe that’s enough for us to become addicted to our phones.
Whatever the reason, sleeping is very hard for many people. Especially for women. This problem is exacerbated when sleep is considered a feminine trait. Men tend to value sleep, or whatever they can do to achieve it, like meditation, yoga, etcetera. Women, on the other hand, tend to be less aware of the importance of sleep. Most would rather spend their days playing video games than going to bed. My husband has always believed that I’m lucky since he knows how important sleep is to me. For him, it’s part of his identity. He’s not going to cheat on me for that. And we both have big jobs and have more responsibilities than most women would like, but unfortunately our schedule doesn’t allow for it.
I’m not saying that everyone needs to sleep 6 hours a night. Just because you had the same amount of free time this week doesn’t mean that sleeping 6 hours every day will solve any problems. Some people have a more relaxing routine than others, and that makes a difference.
It might be best to just give yourself a goal. Once a week, pick one of your goals for the following week and write two pages about it. Don’t feel bad about anything you talk about, just keep it brief and to the point. Write about making a plan for Saturday morning, for example. You need to make a plan for yourself in order to accomplish your task. Otherwise, you simply won’t be successful. Just try your best to keep your eyes open as much as possible. Your subconscious can be a brilliant planner, so there’s no excuse not to trust it.
Achievement keeps us motivated because it motivates us. It gives us a sense of purpose. And sometimes we forget what we are trying to achieve. Give yourself some time, space, and some focus before starting to get too much done. Tell yourself that you’re going to do it tomorrow instead of next week. This may sound dumb, but it helps keep your motivation up. Try sticking to a schedule you have created for yourself as soon as you get up, and be consistent with it.
I’m not saying that everyone must have 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Only about 25% of people can sleep this way. However, if you just take control of what you can control, you’ll gain a lot more time at night. Try to control your environment. Put an end to all the screens. Change your coffee pot. Make your lights dimmer. Turn off music when you feel sleepy. Choose the clothes you wear and don’t wear them. Be aware of how you respond to situations. When a kid screams, show them that their crying is important.
Everyone’s body changes as we grow older, so it could be wise not to beat yourself up over your lack of sleep. Treat this like any other issue you have. Instead of beating yourself up over it, just keep moving forward. Find a solution that works for you and then move on.
We’re not the same age group, and it’s important to make sure your relationship with sleep is healthy. Take care of your mental health and physical health. Look after your mental state and don’t get too attached to the time at home you used to call yours. Trust me. You won’t feel lonely or depressed if you have poor quality sleep. Don’t judge yourself because you’re struggling. Understand that sleep deprivation is the norm for pretty much everybody, because it takes a huge toll on our performance levels everywhere.
In conclusion, I’d be lying if I told you that I didn’t feel sad or angry when I was tired during the day. But when it comes to sleep, I’ve never been more frustrated with it. But I’ve always wanted to go to bed and relax. Maybe I will someday. Until then, I’m spending a couple of hours each night sitting on my computer waiting for the dark sky to rise again.
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